Things worth knowing…

The summer is a letdown because you ask too much of it. Three consecutive days of clement weather is too much pressure to put on this country.

Watermelons are only good when you can buy them in slices. Buying a whole watermelon and storing it in your fridge will only lead to its eventual demise at the hands of decomposition, because it is so daunting an item due to its sheer volume that you’ll never actually make the first move and cut off a piece.

Wasps really don’t give a shit about you and will ignore you if you don’t flap about. They will however try and swim in your Champagne. This is just a fact. Are you telling me that if there was a vat of bubbly in your back garden then you wouldn’t take a swim in it? C’mon.

Pigeons are fine. They aren’t doing you any harm and they are essentially working as unpaid volunteers for local council’s by cleaning up your food that you threw on the floor. Stop calling them rats with wings. Every time you say that it makes me think of actual rats with actual wings and that is terrifying because they are so much bigger in my imagination then they are in real life.

Tomato ketchup is boring and Brown Sauce is loads better, so there.