Saturday, June 15, 2024
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Worst Photoshopping #1

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I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again- photoshop is a dangerous tool. Don’t get me wrong, it’s enabled us to do some amazing things with images but it’s also created lazy production values. Something gone wrong on your shoot? Don’t worry- you can always re-touch it later. Although sometimes re-touching your image can make it look worse than it already did, case in point here with these images I found on a website devoted to this stuff.

A Celebration of Cricket

 

I can see what you were going for chaps but no matter which way you slice it; your advert here still has two old man threatening a bunch of children with cricket bats. In my opinion what makes this catastrophe even worse is the hard shadows they’ve added onto the grass. That tells me that somewhere, at some point, someone make an effort to actually try and make this scene look believable. Damn, I probably would have believed it more if you ran it through a rainbow filter and added a few dragons- that’s how much your shadows have screwed your believability here. Anyway- if you enjoy child battery and deformed chicken dances maybe give this place a go.

 

Coralli Watches

God! Is she ok? Someone should be phoning for an ambulance rather than taking pictures of her holding up watches! Look at her left eye- she’s having a stroke. Of corse not. It’s just a crap eye replacement isn’t it? Either that or it’s an actual glass eye- in which case I remove all criticism…but so confident am I that’s not the case, I shall continue. I’m wondering what could have possibly been so wrong with that eye that THIS replacement was the proffered alternative. After all that, the disembodied stock hand hardly seems worth mentioning.

 

Curves

The cereal endorsed by Michael Jackson himself; so good it turns you white. “Take it off and keep it off”…what? Your natural skin colour? I’ve heard acid does a good job of that too. Who wouldn’t spot this!? This is a photoshop “cut and shut”. Apparently here it’s fine to fuse two half’s of a human being together, but do that to a car and you’ll be arrested.

 

JC Penny

“Shit, I forgot to put her jaw back in”.

Yeah that’s quite a big oversight right there. Since you’re only hero-ing three women in this ad is it to much to triple check that they’ve all GOT A FACE before you send it off to hundreds of magazines and papers? Clearly it is- mind you, if I was the designer I would be mesmerised by the woman on the left looking directly down the lens of the camera while presumingly wetting herself in fear/hilarity that her friends jaw has just come off.

 

What do you think? Seen worse than these?

Brown out.

The NES and its grey screen of death

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It’s old school time!

Well that’s what I thought to myself when I went and got myself an old NES off of eBay. Bought myself a few of the classic games, warmed up the red wine and sat down ready to play a few minutes before saying “hmm, not what I remember”. But it was not to be…

You see it seems that the NES has a problem. Quite a big one in fact. One I hadn’t even heard of before I got one. It’s got a grey screen of death. We all remember the old resetting problem- where the console would constantly keep re-setting itself over and over until you poured some of your nan’s gin on the cartridge- but this is an extreme version. The console doesn’t re-set itself but rather just sits there defiantly on a solid grey screen- much how I expect an 8 bit representation of the movie “the fog” would look like. Now I’m not one to just say “oh well” and buy another one- so I took the bugger to bits. I scoured forums and you tube videos and all of them seemed to int to the 72 pin connector- the thing that the cartridge plugs into- having bent or corroded pins. So I bought a new one of those and fitted it. Grey screen. Then I read it could have something to do with the CIC lockout chip that Nintendo installed to keep unauthorised developers from releasing E.T on the machine. So I pulled out pin 4 which disables the chip. Grey screen. So then I pulled it all to bits and cleaned all the connectors. Put it back together…grey screen.

So this leaves me in a difficult place. I’m stuck and I’m basically asking for help here! If anyone has any ideas what’s wrong with this thing or how I could fix it then please comment! I’ll give it a week and then say “oh well” and buy a new one.

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EDIT

This thing is deader than Bobby Davro’s carrier. I got another one off eBay and it works like a charm. Anyone want a busted one? Very cheap!

Worst Movie Posters

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With Photoshop comes great power…and with great power comes a horrible abuse of said power.
What we have here are 5 of the worst Photoshop disaster movie posters that I could dig out of the recesses of the internet. Its not a top 5 by any means so the order is irrelevant…they’re all awful in their own rite.

5. All About Steve

I’m pretty sure that if you replaced the umbrella in Sandra Bullocks hand with a machete and put bars between her and the other characters then you’d…still have a shit poster. Where is she looking? And which one is supposed to be Steve? The Aisan guy? Or maybe the umbrella.

4. Bad Lieutenant

Right, I’m not letting you get away with that just because you’re Russian, or whatever (says the ignorant English man)! First off it looks like Cage is holding his gun by the barrel and they have just painted on the bullet opening to hide their mistake. Second of all what has happened to that poor girls body?! Looks like she’s been turned into a mannequin from the neck down. And isn’t her head a tad too large boys? Inexcusable rubbish- any poster that makes it look like a giant Nicolas Cage is crumbling into dust while cops look “not that bothered” in the foreground gets an instant F in my book.

3: The Accidental husband

Surely putting this monstrosity together would have been more effort than actually shooting that shot for real. It wouldn’t have taken five seconds on the set. But no- what we have here is a generic kit of body parts arranged in photoshop to portray this lovely scene. Who approves these things- I mean just look at Thurman’s neck for Christs sake! It looks like shes been wearing a tribal neck piece for 5 years that has stretched and abnormaly thickened it. Look at the awkward stock hand tapping her on the shoulder- then take a look at the other hand attached to his body. now try it yourself- put your arms in those positions and see how natural it seems. Colin Firth Clearly loves a bit of Thurman’s ears because he cant take his eyes off it. But that’s OK, he’s just smitten with a woman that has finally fallen in love with his massive dis-located hands and tiny plastic head.

2: Takers

Taking the piss more like! What is this?! Were NONE of the actors actually available for this shoot? Or were the facial expressions so terrible you resorted to that piss ass poor windows cloud application (you’ve all seen the ad right? If not: SEE IT HERE). Also what kind of lighting genius did they have to achieve that effect on their faces? Check out how one guy has a shadow on the left of his face while the guy standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM has it on the right! Genius! Thats impressive….and shit. Oh and Hadien christian is in the poster which is the worst thing of all.

1- Over her dead body

You should never, ever,ever,ever have anyone on your promotional poster lying over the title of your film. Especially is that person is clearly NOT the actress that’s in the film. Now I dont know how many of you have seen desperate housewives but that slender lengthy strawberry blond princess on the title is none other than Eva Longoria. Not the tallest of ladies by my recollection. By the looks of this one they’ve taken a still from Desperate housewives and matted the face of Eva’s character on to a barbie doll.

A Summer Wasting…

an Ajba montage where we rememebr back to behind the scenes of Insert Title Here filming days.

Psst, Hey Beebo

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CHRIST! It’s been like a year, or more. Hasnt it? Sorry, don’t know what happened there – must have been a bad sandwitch; Anyway, I’m back. Without further ado may i distract your eyeballs with something odd yet strangely compelling.

This is from the old days of the internet, where it was all chatrooms and flash animations. This one flash animation was brought to my attention at around the same time as Arfenhouse (see previous year) and I must say it’s aged like fine wine. It’s nuanced script and culturaly diverse characters make for a spectacle that is really more at home on a west eend stage than it is in a tiny window on you tube. But enough of my waffle, you should just watch, but rememebr; this is no longer elegable for the Bafts / oscars / emmys etc so please stop houding them on my behalf telling them that they absolulty must award this something!

I’d like to also just leave a little link to Murderfoot’s page to give him the credit where it is due for creating Beebo

There used to be a link to his site here but at some point before now the website vanished.

Arfenhouse: Teh Movie

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On the street is a house..

I’ve seen some things man, some crazy, glue your eyes shut, move to Mexico, drink the blue stuff under the sink things. All of them…well, most of them (with the exception of the blue stuff) pale in comparison to an animated flash movie by the name of Arfenhouse: Teh Movie- by Mistaroo of the sadly departed Disaster labs.

There are few words that can be written to do it justice, or hell even begin to describe it- it needs to be witnessed. Born from the time of the internet when comedic genius wasn’t buried at the bottom of some app named after the sound a clock makes. Of a time when a town called new grounds was all you needed to visit to get access to top notch entertainment…and this.

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha ahahahah ahahahah ahahahah hahahah ahahah ahahah

Myself and Mr. Coldicott were / are still big fans of this. And I couldn’t even begin to tell you why. It is the story of a piece of bread…who’s lives with a cat…and hates a guy called Joe…who is being hunted by a big yellow face called Billy. I preset to the court ; Arfenhouse: Teh Movie – the complete collection.

Quiteenjoy.

(No refunds.)

Lightning Dogs

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It’s still 2020, we’re still not allowed outside and Roy Walker is back…and he has something to say. Join Hannon and Brownmoore as they reminisce about 80’s television and question why stronger marketing deals aren’t being struck with gorillas.

Mary Poppins fights a Xenomorph – you’ll never guess the outcome!

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After a trip to Aldi and a bit of a lie down it somehow seeems 8 years have passed since the boys from the joy took to the mics. And with a gap thats nearly as long as that last sentence it’s comforting to see they’ve lost nothing…except their minds.

Never gonna give this up…

What do you get if you mix a king with another pair of kings? The answer? More kings.

I am of course referring to the legendary pairing of the band “Justice” and the One man band “Rick Astley”.

Fused together are the ear-tactic tunes of “D.A.N.C.E” and “Never gonna give you up” – which by all logical thought have no right belonging in the same sentence, let alone the same tempo. But here we are – and here it is for our enjoyment. Paired with the perfection of a stock image guy giving us some banging dance moves and, well, you have a hit on your hands.

The genius cook behind this is LENNOZ who deserves far more views than he gets. Go watch it from a few different computers to get his numbers up won’t you?

Brownmoore out

quiteenjoy